Where’s Chloe? (Part 1)

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I had no idea what that letter was about, but I damn sure didn’t feel good about it. Immediately after I read the first sentence I knew Chloe was in trouble. Why did Chloe have a letter like this on her desk? Who is this Reagan person? What does she have against Chloe? What does Chloe have to do with all this? So many questions was going through my mind. I was in desperate need of answers. My best friend had been missing for four days and the only thing I was coming up with was questions after questions. Chloe was not the type of person to just up and leave without saying anything. Yeah, I know a lot of people say the exact same thing when a love one goes missing, but Chloe really wasn’t like that. We have been best friends for the past five years and I am starting to wonder if I really knew my friend like I thought I did. Either I was a horrible friend or Chloe was a good lair, neither one is the answer to the main question….. Where is Chloe?

So in order for you to fully understand what is going on here, I have to start from the beginning. For the past five years Cho and I always start our morning off with a 5 a.m 3 mile run through our favorite trail, Bayer’s Trail. We would run our three-mile and then head to the top of the trail and watch the sunrise That was one thing I loved about Chloe, she enjoyed the outdoors just as much as I did. So after the sunrise, we would apart ways. I must remind you that we did this every morning. It was September 15, 2017 and I was already at our usual met up spot. Five minutes went by and no Chloe, but I wasn’t tripping because she was usually late. Lol. It wasn’t until about 5:15a.m when I started blowing her phone up. I was thinking she over slept because she drunk too much last night. I called about three times before I decided to leave a voicemail.

“Listen heifer, no one told you drink too much last night. Get your ass up before I come get you up.”

After I left the voicemail, I decided to shoot her a text. I sent maybe two and I decided to go ahead and run. It was about 6:10ish when I ended back where I started. Looking down at my phone I had realize that I didn’t have a call or text from Chloe. It threw me for a loop a bit, but I didn’t trip about it. I just decided I would swing by her house before I went home. Noticing her car in the drive way, I just knew for a fact that she was in the bed with a hangover. I knocked on the door and waited for about a good three minutes and nothing. So I started blowing her phone up again. Nothing. I was getting more pissed off than worried at this point. All I was thinking was,when this bitch come to this door I’m going to let her have it. Just as I was about to give up, I remember I had a key to her house. I scramble through all the keys on my key ring and I found it. So I let myself in.
As soon as I open the door I started yelling, I was low-key mad that she left me hanging.

“Get your ass up! Wake your fake ass the hell up!” I went on a whole rant.

When I got to her room, she wasn’t in there. I check the bathroom and no Chloe. So by then I was confused. So I decided to give her another call. I heard her phone ringing. I began to follow the sound all the way back down stair and into her office. Her phone was on her desk. I pick it up and saw all the attempts I made to contact her. Call me dramatic, but immediately I began to worry. Something felt off and this was not like the Chloe I know. I started calling all of our friends and no one had heard from her. I called Mama Joy (Chloe’s mom) and she told me the last time she spoken with Chloe was two nights ago and she was okay. I didn’t mention anything about the phone because I didn’t want her to worry. I even called her boyfriend Devin.

“Why are you calling? I don’t want to talk to you or Chloe. If you think that you can fix things between me and Chloe, then you are wrong. I refuse to let someone play me like she did last night. Tell Chloe and “Sara,” I said fuck them. Don’t call my fucking phone anymore Kayla ”

The next thing I was hearing was the dial tone. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything. I was yet again confused as fuck. Who was Sara? I tried calling Devin a few more times, but he kept sending me to his voicemail. I gave up after a while.

I started looking around her office to see if maybe she left a note or anything saying where she had gone. Nothing. The only thing I found was a letter. If I wasn’t worry before, I damn sure was worry now. After reading the letter, I picked up the phone…….

“911, what’s your emergency?”

(Part 2 Coming Soon)

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The Art of Suffering

Why are we suffering?

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So for a little art history, the painting above is one of my personal favorites, The Scream (1983) painted by the brave Edvard Munch. I called him brave because Munch painted this masterpiece during the end of the nineteenth century where art was going through a transition. While other artists was comfortable being in the the “box,” meaning they were comfortable with painting subjects objectivity because their success were mostly judge by their technical skills. Munch as well as other brave artists, such as Van Gogh were beginning to use their painting to express inner thoughts, feelings and emotions. The Scream is a favorite of mines because of the meaning behind it.

“I was walking down the road with two friends when the sun set; suddenly, the sky turned as red as blood. I stopped and leaned against the fence, feeling unspeakably tired. Tongues of fire and blood stretched over the bluish black fjord. My friends went on walking, while I lagged behind, shivering with fear. Then I heard the enormous infinite scream of nature.” – Edvard Munch
In this quote from Munch, he actually revealing his deepest troubles and his connection with anxiety. What started off as an nice walk with two friends, turned into an breakdown. It turned into a cry for help, but went unnoticed by this friends, as they kept walking, as you see in the painting. When I first saw this painting and learned the name of it, I automatically thought that the scream was coming from Munch himself, but that wasn’t the case. In a poem he wrote about the painting, he describes the scream, some would say he felt the Scream of Nature, while others would say he heard the Scream of Nature. I honestly believe that it was both. Which brings me back to my original question….
Why are we suffering?
This painting to me symbolize, the inner troubles and anxiety that lies in all of us. Whether or not you want to admit it, I believe that we all struggled or still struggling with certain things in life. I believe that, just like Edvard Munch, we keep things in until the point we eventually breakdown. Everyone is different, so every break down is different.

Munch is an example of that, as well as I.

See, what some people don’t know is that I myself suffered from depression and still to this day struggle with my anxiety. I was one of those people who held it all in and eventually had a breakdown. A year ago you couldn’t get me to speak on it because I at times felt embarrassed about it. I don’t anymore! I’m on the self journey to healing, to face my demons, to find my truth.

So long my journey I came across this book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and all I will say is READ IT! I definitely can say more about it, but I won’t. This is just one of those things that you have to experience for yourself. Mark my words if you do decide to embark on the dopest of this wonderful read, just make sure you thank me.

But in the book, Ruiz speaks about suffering and that the only reason we suffer is because we choose to suffer. He stated that, “If you look at your life you will find many excuses to suffer, but a good reason to suffer you will not find.” I totally agree with that. Looking back on everything I been through and going through only affected me because I’ve allowed it too. I took all my situations personally. Ruiz also speaks about not taking things personally.

I’m learning that suffering only holds us back from enjoying life. We are so busy suffering that we are not enjoying the now moment. We are not living life to the fullest. We are not being our best, as well as doing our best. We are not living in our truth. The journey I’m on is teaching such things and I’m definitely embracing them. We have to learn to face the things that are holding us back, no let me rephrase that, we have to face OURSELVES and ask ourselves, “Why am I allowing myself to suffer?

Peace & Love!

I Got This

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So, it’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m sitting at my computer writing, because writing is something I do when I can’t seem to vocally express myself. And when I can’t do that, all types of emotions come to play. I become very irritated and very overwhelm and I don’t like it! I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control. Like for real, just imagine this for a second, you are going through different things in your life and you are trying to become a better person so your emotions are automatically at an all time high. You are in a place in life where you are filtering out the good and bad, the real and fake, the do’s and the got damn dont’s. Now on top of that you have people thinking that it is okay to drop their emotions on you. That’s when the questions starts to bang at the door. Like, who the fuck sent you? “Why am feeling like this?” “Why me?” “Who told you that you can drop your emotions on me?” “Why, why, why, blah blah the fuck blah.”

I am so over it! I don’t like it! Take it back! I don’t want it. All that and then some.

It’s all so very draining, so I thought. I’ve been up for the past three hours and out of that three hours I spent about two hours throwing a pity party for myself. Crying, tissue all over my bed, nose so stuffy I can barely breathe, I was having a whole meltdown. I was a whole mess! Trust me it was not a sight to see. You would have thought somebody die the way I was carrying on. But in the mist of all that I had to seriously asked myself, like “Samantha, what the fuck are you doing?” Once I spoke those words, I immediately started laughing. Laughing because I realize that the only reason I’m feeling like this is because I’m allowing myself too. I’m allowing my situations and people to affect me. I realize that I have given too much of myself to these things that I was losing myself in the mist. and that is never a good feelings, but its can be so rewarding in the end. Looking back at the last three hours, I realize that losing yourself is okay as long as you find yourself in the middle of it all. I can’t speak for you or how you handle things but, all I know is what I need to do. I need to learn allow my mind to gain strength and learn to lean upon itself. I have to go into hiding so to speak. I have to repair myself. I have to heal and the only way to do so is to go a place where I’ve been avoiding. Solitude. I know that solitude I will find healing, I will be able to speak to my soul, listen to my heart, and find the answers in the absence of noise.

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Life is too short and I refuse to miss out. So I will be the best me I can be and I hope you do the same.

You got this too…

My Daily Talk With Her.

Shhhhh! 

   You are too loud. I can’t think clear.

Can you please be quiet?

     You are not making things better. You’re actually making it worst.

Hush!

     I don’t want to hear your voice. 

Stop please!

    You are driving me crazy!

I hate you, so much!

    I love you too, because you are the only one who understands me.

You are dangerous and evil.

     But, you’re are my most loyal friend.

You turn me into an eccedenteiast.

     But, this smile stops them from knowing.

You have me feeling caged.

     The door is unlocked.

I need to cry.

    Where is the nearest restroom.

You did this to me.

     I forgive you though.

I fucking hate your paranoid ways 

    But, I need your balance.

My thoughts aren’t mines anymore.

   You took them.

You are selfish.

You are painful.

You are my weakness.

You are my strength.

You are my anxiety.
   

    

Without Me

    Casey was the most selfish, but yet the most sweetest person I’ve ever met. I guess that’s why we got along so well. She was my bestfriend. People always asked how did two totally different souls ended up being friends. We use to call ourselves Ryan Hardy and Joe Caroll from the show The Following. Two misunderstood individuals who needs each other to even have a functional life, so just imagine how I felt that Thursday morning hearing she was dead….

      Normally my mom would come into my room every morning bitching about me getting up, so I won’t be late. That day, I was awaken by my alarm. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to cut off my alarm. I notice I had 12 new messages all from Casey. I just laughed and mumbled “crazy ass”. I got up and began getting ready for school as usual. Once I got ready I headed downstairs, only to find my mom at the kitchen  table crying. I just looked at her shook my head and continue towards the door. I mean I just knew why she was crying……dad came home late again, smelling like liquor and cheap perfume.     

    “Casey, wait!” I didn’t want to stop, but of course I did. I turned and head to the table, but before she could get a word out I said, “Just leave him. Dad is an abusive manipulative bastard.” She looked at me with sadness and a hint of shock in her eyes. With now weakness in her eyes she said, “This is not about your father.” I should have felt bad about what I said but it was a total release. “So why are you crying?” “It’s Casey, she’s……” She started crying more. “What about Casey? Is she okay? Mom?” My mom gave me that look and I immediately knew what she was about to say and I was not prepared for it. 

    “Casey is dead, she hung herself last night and Ann found her this morning.” My heart was instantly  ripped out of my chest. I felt as though I was stuck; I couldn’t move or think. I mean I heard my mom calling my name but I couldn’t answer her. I started fumbling for my phone remembering I had text messages from Casey.  My mom tried to reach for me as though she wanted a hug. I pulled away. “Rach, honey are you okay? Rach, sweetie what are you doing?” I totally ignored my mom and started reading the texts…..”Rach, you are my best friend and I know you going to hate me for this”, “You are my Ryan and I’ll forever be your Joe”. I ran through the text messages but the last messages really struck a nerve. “I love you so much Rach Rach. You have always been my rock and you helped me through alot, but I just couldn’t take it any more. I tried but I couldn’t handle it. Last night was the icing on the cake and you know I hate cake. Lol. I know you are reading this text calling me a selfish bitch and you’re right I am. That’s why we get along so well right? I’m sorry I left you, but I had no choice. Just know you are the only person who got me and I will always love you….Sorry!” My heart was racing so fast that I felt dizzy. I didn’t realize I was crying. I started to hear my mom voice again….”Rachael sweetie, are you okay? Rachael have a sit honey…talk to me.” My mom sat me in the chair and kneeled in front of me. I looked up at my mom with blur vision and before I even knew what I was saying it came out, I said “We were suppose to do it together!”